måndagen den 4:e januari 2010

Ett decennium

Jag inspirerades och snodde konceptet av Annika, här är det, decenniet som var:

2000 var det där året som var så tungt. Då allt var mörkt och jag inte förstod varför. Då jag lämnade London för att åka hem till Falun. Chocken: 32 kilo. Sedan fick jag en diagnos. Jag fick flera, förresten. Och diagnoser är fantastiska eftersom de tar oss ut ur det där mörkret och säger att "det här kallas så här, det är inte du som är galen, och nu ska vi fixa det". Grav anorexi. Grav depression. Hösten var ett töcken av antidepressiva tabletter som helt slog undan fötterna på mig, insomningstabletter och en skitjobbig psykolog som ställde skitjobbiga frågor och som fick en skitstor blombukett av mig när jag lämnade henne. Eftersom hon räddade mig. Farmor dog på vintern, en mörk, kall vinter.

2001, i augusti, började jag läsa medie- och kommunikationsvetenskap i Uppsala. Jag levde loppan för allt vad jag var värd, fick fina betyg på tentorna och hetsjoggade i timmar dagen efter sittningarna. Jag träffade flera underbara vänner och flirtade helt ohämmat med tjusiga studenter. Jag tog körkort. I december
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2002 tillbringade jag vårterminen i Uppsala, och efter sommaren tänkte jag prova om mina vingar skulle hålla för att ge mig av igen. Riktning: Frankrike, Medelhavet och franskastudier på Faculté de lettres à Montpellier. Roooligt. Och i november träffade jag C.

2003 gick undan. I januari flyttade C in till mig, i februari skaffade vi kattunge, i Mars åkte vi på vår första utlandsresa. Det här året var också Paris, Nice, Lyon, Barcelona, Rom, Milano och Venedig. Men allt har ett slut, och i september åkte jag till Sverige igen för att påbörja journaliststudierna. Jag åkte. Hjärtat stannade kvar, och under hösten ruinerade vi oss på flygbiljetter och telefonräkningar.

2004 var året då C disputerade och blev Doktor i materialvetenskap, och då vi upptäckte Korsika. Vi tillbringade en månad på Skönhetens ö, vi åkte längs östkusten och undersökte varje strand, varje liten by. En månad i tält var inte superbekvämt, men superromantiskt. Men vi lovade oss själva att nästa gång skulle vi åtminstone ha liggunderlag. Plugget gick bra, jämfört med Uppsala var det en räkmacka, men det var om jag ska vara ärlig, en ganska halvhjärtad ansträngning från min sida.

2005 var ett stort år med allt från norrsken till bröllopsklockor... Jag och C bodde i Luleå där jag gjorde min mycket eftertraktade praktik på Uppdrag Granskning och slet som en hund med att researcha fram information till reportaget om de apatiska barnen. Vi upptäckte Norrbottens fantastiska natur, och stod kalla vinternätter på det frusna havet och tittade på norrskenets dans över himlen. Lika magiskt som issprickningen. Morfar dog på våren. Jag var inte van vid att folk gick bort. Är ännu inte van.
I juli gifte jag och C oss. I österå bystuga utanför Falun lovade vi varandra en framtid tillsammans, vi log och grät och sade ja. Vi åkte till Paris några veckor, och sedan började jag jobba på SVT i Falun.

2006 började C jobba i Belfort, och jag jobbade kvar på SVT. Många långa resor emellan. Och vi var less på avstånden. Men vi bet ihop, jobbade mycket på varsitt håll. Jag kom över känslan av att vara en bluff på redaktionen och började känna att jag var bra på det jag gjorde. Men tufft var det, att få allt att hålla ihop. I slutet av året sade jag upp mig och åkte till Frankrike igen. Julmarknader i Strasbourg och Montbéliard, iskalla fötter på iskalla stengolv. Varma kastanjer och många biobesök.

2007. När året fortfarande var alldeles nytt kämpade vi med att få visum och biljetter klara. En halvtimme innan planet från Roissy lyfte mot London för transfer mot Hong Kong hade vi papperen i handen. Så nära var det att vi inte kom iväg. Vi bländades av Hong Kong och hann förälska oss i staden innan vi tog av mot slutdestinationen: Taiwan. Wow. C jobbade ihjäl sig på sitt laboratorium och jag jobbade ihjäl mig på mitt engelskainstitut och läste kinesiska när jag kom åt. Vi åkte tillbaka till Hong Kong, vi besökte Macao. Vi fick vara med om tyfoner, kinesiska banketter och högtider. Det var fantastiskt. Men det var också ett tufft år. C drabbades av ansiktsförlamning och en ögontumör. Operationer och lång väntan, oro. Det var året då min systerson Aaron föddes.
Och det var året då jag och C inte kunde göra en bebis, hur gärna vi än ville. Det var året då jag trodde att jag inte kunde.

2008. På förra årets sista dag tog vi flyget till Tokyo. Första januari vaknade vi upp i Japan. Det var blixtförälskelse. Tokyo, Kyoto och Osaka. Vi hade sparat hela hösten för att kunna göra resan, och det var allt vi någonsin drömt om. Sedan tillbaka till Taiwan, där vi tackade nej till förlängning på kontrakt. Vi längtade hem, och i slutet av januari satte vi ned fötterna på Charles de Gaulle.
En vecka senare var jag gravid, och Pyret var på ingående, men det visste vi inte förrän vid påsk. Och graviditeten som var det mest efterlängtade, det mest underbara... drog med sig massa spöken från förr och depressionen kom som ett brev på posten. Men nu visste jag vad det handlade om, men det var skrämmande ändå.
Träffade en skitjobbig psykolog och en ändå jobbigare psykiater som ställde skitjobbiga frågor och som var helt fantastiska.
Vi tog oss igenom det. Till sommaren gifte mamma sig med K och det var ett fantastiskt bröllop i ett iskallt Östersund. Jag och C åkte till Korsika igen och min mage växte och växte. Jag skrev. Inte tillräckligt för att kunna försörja mig p
å det, men ändå... Véra Agathe föddes i oktober, några veckor före beräknat datum och överraskade alla, inklusive mig.

2009. Skrev jag ju om här.

Och ja, egentligen tycker jag att jag hunnit med en del änd
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62 kommentarer:

Kristina sa...

Du ger av dig själv i dina texter och jag bara tar emot utan att ge något tillbaka. Det känns lite märkligt faktiskt. Vet inte hur jag ska "ge tillbaka", men jag vill att du ska veta att jag uppskattar din blogg massor.
Jag har också vägt 32kg, men jag hade inte anorexi utan en sjukdom. Ingen livshotande sjukdom ska tilläggas men inte desto mindre krävande. Jag tror att ungefär samma psykologiska mekanismer som är i görningen hos en med anorexia orsakade min sjukdom.
Det var jobbigt men jag har lärt mig mycket. Framförallt att lyssna på mig själv. Det kanske låter konstigt men en sjukdom kan föra med sig goda saker som man inser i efterhand. Jag talar för mig själv nu för det är den enda jag kan tala för.
Sköt om dig Sara. Du är värdefull och jag ser fram emot att läsa dina böcker i framitden.

Kristina sa...

Jag skrev att jag inte hade anorexi utan en sjukdom. Jag vet att anorexi är en sjukdom men jag missade att skriva ett ord nämligen "mag" som i mag sjukdom.
Därför blev det galet.

Sandra sa...

Vilken spännande krönika! Fortsätt skriv Sara, för det gör du så förbaskat bra.

Livet runt 30...5 sa...

Herregud, vad du kommer ihåg och vad mycket du gjort. Tio år och jag kommer knappt ihåg vad jag gjorde igår. Nu ska jag sätta mig och tänka tillbaka jag också. Kram K

Ingela sa...

Wow...jag läste som fastklistrad vid skärmen...

Johanna Siljehagen sa...

Wow! Vad underbart att läsa om dig. Du har hunnit med en hel del. Härligt! Inspirerande! WOW!

Annika sa...

Tack! Fatnastiskt att få denna tillbakablick, i synnerhet för mig som är en ganska ny bloggläsare (jag har ju bara läst här sedan i somras). Det ger ett helt annat perspektiv på allt du skriver, att ha denna bakgrundsinformation.

Mi sa...

Jag har ju följt dig länge nu, sen början av 2007 - jag känner att jag har kläm på dig liksom. Ändå var det här verkligen jätteroligt att ta del av!

Anonym sa...

Du har upplevt så mycket att det borde sluta klia i kroppen såpass att du kan bli stilla och känna dig hemma nånstans. Fast samtidigt förstår jag att om man har levt ett intressant liv kan det ju bli väldigt trist att "stilla sig" på en enda plats. Fantastiskt decennium på gott o ont. Det här nya kanske blir ännu bättre?
Kram, Maria i Norrbotten (som har lite tråkigt emellanåt men på det stora hela underbart :)

Anonym sa...

Fengslende lesning, mye innhold i disse årene! Jeg begynte å tenke etter selv, og har sånn noenlunde oversikt. Men det slår meg at jeg ikke husker noenting spesielt fra 2004... Jeg vet hvor jeg bodde og hvem jeg var sammen med, men ingenting spesielt utover det. Så ble det også slutt med denne mannen i begynnelsen av 2005, og det har kanskje sin forklaring der..? Den er en fin øvelse å tenke litt tilbake, litt godt-vondt, men viktig.

Godt nyttår, Sara - alt det beste for det nye (ti-) året!

Ingunn

Emelie sa...

Intressant, sorgligt, upplyftande och med humor som alltid. Du skriver fantastiskt och det är så spännande att få följa dig och väldigt spännande att få läsaom din väg fram tills du bev den du är idag. Jag ser fram emot ett fint 2010.

Kram Emelie

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Jag skrev ett sådant här inlägg för ett par veckor sedan. Sedan struntade jag i att posta det strax innan nyår som det var tänkt. Nu blev jag inspirerad, så det är publicerat ändå. ;)

I övrigt har jag inget nytt att tillföra - de föregående talarna har redan talat så bra. Jag håller med dem till fullo.

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